getting right with the universe

2008 was a hard year for me. There was (and still is) a lot of struggling going on this year. There were a lot of lessons that needed to be learned. And although I am trying to sort out exactly what I should take from the situations that kicked my ass this year I feel there is something I need to do first in order to truly begin my "quest" of being a better person...

I need to beg for forgiveness.

I have never been really good at saying sorry because I always feel I'm right when I'm in the moment. No names will be published in this post. You should know who you are.

1. If I have ever lied to you, I am sorry. This includes not telling you how I truly feel about a situation or exaggerating or playing down a situation to make myself look better and not cause myself embarrassment. Its my belief that for me to truly call someone 'friend' then I need to be upfront with them (not mean, but truthful). There have been too many occasions when I have not been honest and the after effects have been most negative. I have lost many good people in my life because of this and I am truly sorry.

2. If I have ever tried to push my beliefs on you to the point where you no longer felt comfortable, I am sorry. Although I love to debate (LOVE) I can recall some situations where I have found myself pushing so hard to drive my point home, trying to make someone believe what I believe, that a rift could almost be seen growing between me and that person. I have lost some because of this as well. I am sorry.

3. If I have ever berated you for a decision you made that I did not agree with I am sorry. We all have had friends who have made what we believe are dumb ass mistakes and we make our opinions known to them with the hope that they will see the error in the decision-this is one of the duties of being a friend. But sometimes we can take it too far (and I have) and what we do is diminish the trust that the person has in us and they no longer feel comfortable in confiding in us because they feel they will be judged. And who wants a friend that judges. There are enough people around to do that (i.e. family).

4. If I have ever spread gossip about you, I am sorry. That's just ignorant and I am tooooo old for that stuff. It does nothing positive for you and in the end I look bad for running off at the mouth. A lot of it stemmed from jealousy (hating) and I can admit that now. Besides, it's not my business what you do.

5. If I have ever made you feel like I left you hanging for no reason, I am sorry. In my recent reflections I realized that I have turned my back on some who did not deserve it. Sometimes we grow out of friendships and that is perfectly natural. But if I have ever left you alone without cause or explanation I am sorry.

6. If I have ever belittled you. I am sorry. Put downs are the weapons of the weak and I don't want to be that person anymore.

7. If I have ever caused you ANY undue harm, I am truly sorry.

...WHEW! I must sound like the worst person in the world. I hope that this first step will help me on my path to becoming a better person and getting right with the universe. No names or specifics were given to protect the innocent. But you know who you are. And even if you never get to actually read this post, it is my sincerest hope that the universe will find a way to let you know that I am sorry. I am using this post to begin forgiving myself. I hope you can forgive me to...